EREV ROSH HASHANAH 5767

“LAILAH YORED”

RABBI ERIC POLOKOFF, B’NAI ISRAEL OF SOUTHBURY


[CLARINET PLAYS LINE FROM “EREV SHEL SHOSHANIM”]

LAILAH FIRST HEARD:

LAILAH YORED LE’AT / VERU’ACH SHOSHAN NOSHVAK,

THE NIGHT DESCENDS SLOWLY / A BREEZE OF ROSES BLOWS.

SHE RECOGNIZED HER NAME, LAILAH.

THEN LAILAH LISTENED TO THE RABBI’S ANECDOTE, COPPED THIS YEAR LIKE MOST FROM THE METROPOLITAN DIARY:

“SIR, I COULDN’T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU KEEP YOUR WALLET IN THE BACK POCKET OF YOUR JEANS,” THE MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN SAID TO A YOUNG MAN IN HIS 20’S. “YOU MUST BE A VISITOR TO OUR CITY, BUT THAT’S A BIG NO-NO. YOU ARE TOO EASY A PREY FOR PICKPOCKETS.”THE YOUNG MAN RESPONDED POLITELY: "MA’AM, I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BROOKLYN. THAT’S A DECOY WALLET.”

LAILAH ALSO HEARD THIS MIDRASH AS WELL:

RABBI ALEXANDRI: IF A PERSON USES BROKEN VESSELS, IT IS CONSIDERED AN EMBARRASSMENT. BUT THE VESSELS GOD USES ARE PRECISELY THE BROKEN ONES, AS IT SAYS, “GOD IS THE HEALER OF SHATTERED HEARTS.”

THEN IT WAS AS IF THE MICROPHONE ALL-OF-A-SUDDEN STOPPED WORKING. SITTING IN THE CONGREGATION LAILAH COULD NO LONGER HEAR THE RABBI. SHE COULD SEE HIM – SHE COULD SEE DUSK THROUGH THE WINDOW. SHE SIMPLY COULDN’T HEAR HIM, OR HEAR ANYTHING. JUST AS WELL, LAILAH THOUGHT. A NICE RESPITE FROM ALL THE SAME SUBJECTS, THE SAME PRAYERS, THE SAME PLEAS. BUT LOOKING AROUND, NO ONE ELSE LOOKED DISTURBED. WHY HAD ROSH HASHANAH BECOME A PANTOMIME FOR HER ALONE?

IN MOMENTS OF CRISIS THE VOICE IN HER HEAD WOULD REMAIN STEADY. HER PARENTS HAD DRUMMED INTO HER FROM EARLY ON: “LAILAH, NIGHT, WAS A FEMALE ANGEL. BE STRONG WHEN IT’S DARK, LAILAH.” HER PARENTS HAD CHOSEN HER NAME AS PART OF THEIR ONE AND ONLY FORAY INTO KABBALAH, ESOTERIC JEWISH MYSTICICSM. LAILAH, THE ANGEL OF CONCEPTION, TOOK SOULS FROM GOD’S TREASURY AND TAUGHT THEM THE ENTIRE TORAH – BEFORE SWIPING BACK ALL THAT HIDDEN KNOWLEDGE AT THEIR BIRTHS. OTHER GIRLS HAD GOTTEN NAMES LIKE MARSHA OR SUSAN. LAILAH’S PARENTS HAD WANTED TO BESTOW ON HER THE CONTRADICTION OF BOTH KNOWING AND UNKNOWING, A MOST JEWISH CONUNDRUM.

NOW AT THE END OF MIDDLE AGE THIS PARTICULAR TIGHT SPOT WAS A FIRST. LAILAH CALMLY CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITIES…

HE’S IMITATING HANNAH’S BEHAVIOR IN THE HAFTARAH WHERE SHE MERELY MOVES HER LIPS.

LAILAH QUICKLY DISMISSED THE HANNAH PLOY. “TOO AFFECTED. THIS IS PROBABLY A HALLUCINATION.”

YET PROBABLY IS NOT DEFINITELY. AND IN ANY EVENT, LAILAH HAD TO WEIGH HER OPTONS. SHE COULD:

LAILAH LIKED THIS LAST OPTION BEST. HER HUSBAND’S TACTLESS GIBE IN FRONT OF THEIR COMPANY ABOUT HER SETTING OUT A CHIPPED HONEY POT, THAT TZCHOCHKE FROM ISRAEL, HAD POISONED HER DINNER. LAILAH NEEDED SPACE. SILENCE MIGHT BE A NEW YEAR’S PRESENT.

RECALLING ANOTHER EARLY PART OF THE EVENING, LAILAH THANKED GOD SHE HADN’T AGREED TO BUY THE RING TONES THE GRANDCHILDREN WERE PESTERING HER ABOUT FOR HER CELL PHONE. THEY’D BE OF NO USE NOW. THE GRANDKIDS HAD PLUGGED, “A FEW DOLLARS, A FEW KEYSTROKES AND WALLA, SHE’D HAVE A THEME SONG.” IT’S TOO FRIVOLOUS SHE REPLIED, OMITTING HER REAL OBJECTION: WITH LIFE BEATING DOWN, WHAT INTEREST DID SHE HAVE IN SOUNDTRACKS?

THE RABBI’S MOUTH KEPT MOVING, BUT NO SUBTITLES. THAT’S WHEN A NEW PROPOSITION, POPPED INTO HER HEAD: IT BEING ROSH HASHANAH AND SHE BEING IN TEMPLE, THIS WAS A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE. AND MAYBE THIS MOMENT HAD BEEN CREATED ESPECIALLY FOR HER. FOR UNLIKE SO MANY OF HER FELLOW JEWS, LAILAH BELIEVED IN GOD. SHE JUST FOUND GOD DISTANT. IN ONE OF THOSE ANALOGIES LAILAH WAS FOREVER COMPOSING, SHE MUSED: “AS FAR OFF AS THE STARE OF A FASHION MODEL.”

SO WHY WOULD GOD DO THIS, SUDDENLY APPEAR TO TAKE AWAY HER HEARING TONIGHT, OF ALL NIGHTS? PERHAPS GOD WAS THREATENING HER – BE MORE RELIGIOUS… OR ELSE. OR PERHAPS GOD WAS LIKE THE CHECKOUT CLERK AT THE SUPERMARKET – APATHETIC OR CONNIVING – ‘YOU’D BETTER WATCH GOD CLOSELY, LEST THE SAME ITEM BE WAVED THROUGH THE SCANNER TWICE.’ LAILAH HAD COME TO TEMPLE, HADN’T SHE? SHE’D ALREADY PAID ENOUGH.

BUT THAT DIDN’T ALLEVIATE HER PREDICAMENT. SHE LOOKED UP INTO THE FLAME OF THE NER TAMID; ITS INTENSITY MAGNIFIED BY THE QUIET. WHEN SHE WAS A GIRL SHE WOULD TELL HIM – BACK THEN, GOD WAS A HE – SHE WOULD TELL HIM EVERYTHING. GOD WOULDN’T ANSWER DIRECTLY BUT AS HER PARENTS HAD EXLAINED, THAT’S NOT HOW GOD WORKED. GOD MANAGED THE BIG PICTURE; AND GOD PRODDED THROUGH STILL SMALL VOICES OF CONSCIENCE. LAILAH HAD ACCEPTED GOD’S MYSTERY AS BEYOND HER.

OVER TIME, HOWEVER CAME THE STEADY BEAT OF DISAPPOINTMENT TO TAKE THE BLOOM OFF THE ROSE. THERE’D BEEN ILLNESSES AND DEATHS, FINANCIAL ANXIETIES AND FAMILY ISSUES; THERE WERE WARS AND IGNORANCE, INJUSTICE AND THE HOLOCAUST. ATTENDING SERVICES LAILAH READ THE PSALMIST CHAMPIONING A GUARDIAN OF ISRAEL WHO NEITHER SLUMBERED NOR SLEPT, BUT LAILAH’S GOD WAS ON BREAK. SHE REMEMBERED THE JOKE ABOUT THE PIOUS MAN WHO FOR YEARS DAVENS EACH DAY IN FRONT OF THE WESTERN WALL. ONE DAY A TOURIST ASKS HIM, “SIR, HOW DOES IT FEEL?” THE OLD JEW ANSWERS: “LIKE I’M TALKING TO A WALL.”

YET THESE SAME THOUGHTS DISQUIETED HER, ROBBING HER OF ALL PROTECTION AND SECURITY. BEFORE DINNER HER HUSBAND HAD ENTERTAINED THE GRANDCHILDREN WITH A MOVIE SHORT ON THE INTERNET, “BAMBI MEETS GODZILLA.” THE FILM OPENED WITH A CUDDLY DEER MUNCHING ON FLOWERS. ALL-OF-A-SUDDEN THE SHADOW OF A LEG APPEARS AND IT DROPS DOWN WITH A CRASH. BAMBI WAS FLATTENED. THE END. THE OTHERS LAUGHED BUT LAILAH’S CHEST HAD TIGHTENED. SO THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS, SOME UNEXPECTED BLOW?

THE MOVIE HAD TRIGGERED A GREATER AWARENESS OF HER UTMOST DREAD. THERE WERE NO GUARANTEES ANY DAY, AND ESPECIALLY AS SHE TREADED CLOSER TO THE NEXT STAGE OF HER LIFE. ANY MOMENT COULD BRING DIMINUTION, ESTRANGEMENT, LONELINESS. HADN’T SHE JUST GONE DEAF? SHE COULD BE CRUSHED. MOREOVER – AND THIS IS WHAT TRULY SCARED HER –EVEN HER VERY REMEMBRANCE MIGHT BE AS FLEETING AS A MOVIE SHORT. A PRAYER HAD SAID THAT GOD “GIRDS EACH PERSON’S STEPS,” AND THIS, MORE THAN ANYTHING, HAD BOTHERED LAILAH. FOR LAILAH HAD WALKED ON BEACHES AND WATCHED THE TIDE AND WIND ERASE HER FOOTPRINTS. WOULD SHE, EVEN BE AS LASTING AS BAMBI OR GODZILLA? WOULD HER FAMILY DISGARD HER MEMORY AS EASILY AS A CHIPPED HONEY POT? THAT’S WHEN ANOTHER POSSIBLITY CROSSED LAILAH’S MIND, THIS SOUNDLESS LIP-SINC-ING WAS ALL HER DOING; THAT SHE HAD WILLFULLY BLOCKED OUT THE SOUNDS OF ROSH HASHANAH SO AS TO TRY TO STALL A NEW YEAR’S COMMEMORATION OF THE PASSING OF TIME.

HER PARENTS’ VOICES AGAIN RANG IN HER EARS, AND IN AN EXTRAORDINARY INSIGHT, SHE TOOK THEIR WORDS AS THE VOICE OF GOD. “BE STRONG WHEN IT’S DARK, LAILAH.” ‘I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE MYSELF SICK,’ SHE TOLD HERSELF. HER LIFE – HOWEVER FAR FROM PERFECT – WASN’T POINTLESS. SHE’D ENJOYED MOMENTS, PLENTY OF MOMENTS, OF LOVE AND CONSCIOUSNESS, BELONGING AND SATISFACTION, GOODNESS AND PLEASURE. EACH MOMENT WAS A UNIQUE BLESSING OF TRANSCENDANT, EXISTENTIAL SIGNIFICANCE. AND THEY STILL OCCURRED REGULARLY. THIS ENTIRE PROCESS OF LIFE, LAILAH CONCLUDED, MUST HAVE ITS AUTHOR. AND IF THAT WAS THE CASE, LAILAH CONFESSED, SHE PROBABLY SHOULD BE MORE AWARE, MORE ATTUNED, AND MORE GRATEFUL. SO PERHAPS RELIGION WAS NOT JUST SOME DECOY WALLET IN NATURE’S BACK POCKET. AND PERHAPS NOT ALL OF GOD’S TRUTHS WERE WELL-HIDDEN.

LAILAH CONTINUED TO SPECULATE. BECOMING AWARE OF GOD REQUIRED PRACTICE AND SENSITIVITY. SHE RECALLED THE ONE ABOUT THE GUY LATE FOR A JOB INTERVIEW, CIRCLING FOR A PARKING PLACE. THE GUY LOOKS UP TO HEAVEN AND PRAYS: “GOD, IF YOU FINDING ME A PARKING SPOT I WILL GO TO TEMPLE EVERY SATURDAY MORNING AND I WILL NEVER CHEAT AGAIN.” A MINUTE LATER, HE LANDS A SPACE. RELIEVED, HE LOOKS UP, “NEVER MIND,” HE SAYS, “I’VE FOUND ONE.” LAILAH RECALLED THE FASHION MODEL CRACK AND AVOWED TO BE LESS CALLOUS.

IMMERSED IN HER OWN THOUGHTS, IN TEMPLE ON ROSH HASHANAH LAILAH HAD RELEARNED THE ESSENCE OF TORAH. SHE ASCERTAINED THAT JEWS PERENIALLY ASKED THEMSELVES ANGUISHED QUESTIONS IN ORDER TO INTERNALIZE THEM. AMIDST THE SILENCE LAILAH REALIZED THAT MEANING COMES ONLY WITH INTROSPECTION. HER LIFE HAD MEANING BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID AND WHAT SHE DOES. BY HER DEEDS AND HER RELATIONSHIPS LAILAH’S SOUL, LIKE THAT OF SO MANY OTHERS, HAD A SPECIAL PLACE IN GOD’S TREASURY.

AND AT THAT MOMENT LAILAH YOREDET, LAILAH DESCENDED. LAILAH FELT THE GRIP OF ANOTHER HAND CLASPING HERS. AN ELBOW NUDGED HER. IT WAS HER HUSBAND. “LAILAH, C’MON YOU’RE SNORING. EVERYONE IS HEARING.” OFFERING NO DEFENSE, LAILAH INSTINCTIVELY SMOOTHED-DOWN HER DRESS. GOD IS LIKE THE HEM OF A NICE SKIRT, SHE THOUGHT. THE HEM HAS GOT TO BE THERE, BUT IF IT’S TOO OBVIOUS, THE EFFECT IS LOST. CONFIDENT IN THIS ANALOGY, THAT ISRAEL’S GOD WAS INVISIBLE ON PURPOSE, SHE FELT A STRANGE SATISFACTION AS SHE SAW HER OWN REFLECTION IN THE SANCTUARY WINDOW.

SO SHE HAD BEEN DREAMING. HAD IT NOT BEEN HER REALITY LAILAH WOULD HAVE DERIDED THE IDEA UNMERCIFULLY AS A PITIFUL CLICHÉ. BUT SITTING IN SYNAGOGUE SHE, LAILAH, HAD ENCOUNTERED THE SACRED. IN FACT, IT REMINDED HER OF WHEN SHE SPILLED COKE ON THE COMPUTER KEYBOARD. TRY AS SHE MIGHT, THE AFFECTED KEYS JUST NEVER FELT THE SAME. LAILAH, TOO, HAD BEEN TRANSFORMED.

AROUSED FROM THE GUILTY PLEASURE OF SLEEPING THROUGH THE RABBI’S SERMON, THE NOTES OF THE SOLOIST’S SHORT ANTHEM HAD SPECIAL, PRECIOUS, RESONANCE. EREV SHEL SHOSHANIM, AN EVENING OF ROSES. LAILAH SQUEEZED HER HUSBAND’S HAND. “THIS WOULD MAKE A NICE SOUNDTRACK,” SHE WHISPERED. “THAT IS, IF IT COULD BE DOWNLOADED ONTO A CELL PHONE.”

CAIN YEHI RATZON. BE THIS GOD’S WILL.


[ANTHEM: CLARINET PLAYS EREV SHEL SHOSHANIM]